Not Transactional: Rethinking Worth, Growth & Divine Relationship
Blog post written by: David Herrin
In many religious systems, including the one in which many of us were raised, faith was often taught as transactional. If you do X, God will bless you with Y. If you’re obedient, you’ll be rewarded. If you’re faithful enough, your prayers will be answered (God of Lost Keys).
This kind of spiritual framework may feel comforting and structured in the early stages of faith development – but over time, it creates a fragile relationship between us and the Divine. It subtly teaches us that we are only as worthy as our performance. That blessings are earned. That growth, healing, or divine love must be purchased through suffering or sacrifice.
And that is simply not true. What if you can’t find your keys, or your loved one is not healed?
Transactional Spirituality Is a Developmental Starting Point – Not a Destination
In Episode 245 of the Latter Day Struggles podcast, Valerie Hamaker describes transactional faith as “the pee-wee level of spiritual development.” That’s not a critique, it’s an invitation to recognize where many of us started, and where we are being called to grow.
“For many years, I believed that if I were faithful enough (i.e., get up at 4 or 5 am, pray, study the scriptures, journal about insights, pray as a family, have FHE….check off all the boxes), I would be blessed to find “the answer”, or the magical, missing key, to “fix” a loved one living with substance use disorder and behaviors associated with addiction. I was doing everything that I knew to do, that I could control, with faith that God would heal them and keep our family together. After all, that’s a noble cause. Wouldn’t God want this for us, too? A righteous family in Zion? Kids being taught the gospel in a loving home? So I did all I knew to do, to earn a righteous reward, with patience and persistence on God’s timeline, knowing I couldn’t change them or choose for them. I hoped for the unseen, with fervent faith, that the power of the Atonement would transform the situation”.
(To be continued…)
Over time, many of us discover that this if/then model of spirituality no longer sustains us. It begins to break under the weight of complex, real life. And that breaking can become the beginning of true growth.
Deconstructing the “If/Then” God
When the blessings stop coming in expected ways, or when you do everything “right” and life still falls apart, it can feel like a betrayal. But in truth, it’s often an awakening (or can be).
“One evening several years later, while sitting in my truck outside our rural home, feeling devastated and obliterated by our recent divorce, overwhelmed by the reality of being a full-time single father, through blubbering tears I asked God (umm…maybe yelled), “Why?”…. “WHY!!! I did everything you asked! I know life isn’t fair, but how does this make sense? Is this what you wanted? I don’t understand. What do I have now?” As I sat with my truck window down and looked at the warm lights on in the kitchen and living room, I made out the sounds of our children laughing and playing. Despite all they’d just been through, they were making memories of joy and moving forward. It came to me: “I have this. Them. I have so much to live for.”’
It was then that I realized the transactional nature of my relationship with divinity and the faulty expectations based upon that assumption. I had yet to more fully discover the difference between LEARNING, not earning, to promote growth. And I had (and still have) so much to learn…
Moving beyond transactional faith means we no longer see God as a vending machine. We begin to approach the Divine not with bargaining, but with presence. Curiosity. Authenticity. Relationship.
Your Worth Was Never Transactional
If you take nothing else from this reflection, let it be this:
Your worth has never been dependent on your obedience.
Your spiritual growth is not something you can earn or lose.
You are not failing at faith because your life is messy or complex.
In a journal entry from 2022, I wrote: “It has been a year of deconstructing old beliefs and harmful thoughts derived from childhood and interpretations of principles and doctrine growing up.” Really, it has been a lifetime of conflicting teachings versus my lived experiences. Much of this came from my perception that I could never measure up or was never good enough, which I believed based on my relationship with my dad. My views had been largely shaped by a performance-oriented mindset in sports and the intense pressure I felt to do everything right or be as perfect as I could to gain acceptance and earn love.
More recently, I have tried to hold the possibility that, rather than an “if-then” reality concerning my father’s love or acceptance as being true (he either loved me according to “x” evidence, or did not approve of me according to “y” evidence), he could have done things that were both good and helpful as well as damaging and hurtful (he was a human, fallible, and both caring and cursing). I had equated this older way of thinking with a transactional relationship at church as well, needing to earn the love of my heavenly father and an intense shame and guilt every time I screwed up. I could hear my father’s voice (earthly or heavenly) when I made a mistake at home, at church, or anywhere, and it wasn’t always in a loving or learning sort of way, intended or not. This was reinforced by undertones of principles and doctrines taught at church, which pervade hymn lyrics, lesson manuals, scriptural references, temple ideals, and traditional cultural messages. I did not know what scrupulosity was until this year.
Over the last several months, and really the last couple of years, I have been on a search to discover and get to know myself better, at first feeling guilty about seeking alternative resources [outside of scripture] but then coming to accept that there is truth throughout the world. God spreads knowledge, light, and truth around the planet. In my patriarchal blessing, it talks about seeking truth in the Scriptures and “other good books.” So I finally accepted that I need to look for truth wherever I can find it and sift through what is best for me through my agency, my choice, and my ability to discern personal inspiration versus error.
I finally stumbled upon books that talk about boundaries, books that I have often been drawn to but were more specific to my needs. More recently, I found books about being my own best friend and ways to boldly choose who I want to be and to stand up for that. I had to learn how to acknowledge parts of me that have either been largely ignored (wounded child) or the sole focus (harsh critic). I had to get curious, listen, validate, de-escalate, take charge of, and make peace with those parts of my whole self. I had to get on the same team. I made statements about my true self, and learned to allow it to emerge now that the other self states were given the proper attention and no longer hurting. I learned about my personality traits and strengths.
This felt very fulfilling for me internally, psychologically, and as peaceful and confident as I have ever been in my entire life, by far. But along the way, I felt like something important was missing, a deeper relationship with the divine. I tried not to make myself feel guilty because I was doing a lot of inner work, and whenever I tried to reach out, I just felt stuck. I felt more alive when I was sharing what I was learning with others, and in the past, I had beaten myself up over this because it felt stupid or meaningless. Then I found out that this desire to absorb knowledge, collect information, and share it with others directly aligns with my true self, my top strengths, my nature as a peacemaker, and my deep desire to have a world filled with harmony and love.
So my truth was, I had to be “led away” from Scripture to find my own personal insight in books or from inspired individuals holding the truth I needed, to rebuild myself first, then to rebuild a healthy connection with a loving God, a God that loves me as deeply as I love my own children, and now myself. I needed to first love myself, to be good with myself, to be able to feel and understand what it means to have a connection to a loving heavenly parent. I feel like God wants me to seek out the resources and truth wherever it may be, open-ended, and trusts me to sift through content and find uplift and spiritual confirmation using my agency. When I have received the most inspiration in my life, it came through reading, writing, and collecting input. That is how I “hear him, or them”. So I felt like this approach was both unexpected and simple. I needed to find myself first. And if I can love myself purely, as a whole being, exactly as I am, then I can connect to parents who love me in the same way. And I can love all people.
Since that time, I have been able to view myself, life, and relationships through a new lens. I can, more often (still practicing), set appropriate boundaries that reflect how I value my needs and desires, operate from a value-based approach to behavior that does not worry about the judgment of others, enjoy the moment more deeply with whomever I am with (or by myself), and live life according to my terms while trusting that my personal worth is not even a question.
This is the work of reclaiming both your humanity and your divinity. It’s the shift from spiritual shame to spiritual sovereignty.
Moving Toward a Non-Transactional Relationship with the Divine
As we mature in our faith, we begin to see that Divine love is not conditional. We begin to show up—not to earn, but to connect. Not to control outcomes, but to trust the unfolding.
If you’re still caught in a transactional way of relating to God, I want you to know: you are not broken for being there. Many of us began our faith journeys with “if/then” beliefs because they gave us a sense of safety and structure. But as life grows more complex, so does faith – and so do you.
What helped me was realizing that I didn’t have to earn my right to belong to God. I already belonged. You already belong. The very breath in your lungs is evidence that your worth is not in question.
So if you feel stuck, maybe the next step isn’t to do more, but to pause. To listen. To notice the ways God is already present in your ordinary life – in laughter, in quiet, in tears, in connection. Sometimes, moving beyond transactional faith doesn’t mean throwing everything away. It means deepening into relationship, one honest step at a time.
You don’t have to get it perfect. You only have to be present.
This is where your healing deepens. This is where you find breath again.
Final Thought
Faith isn’t a formula. It’s a relationship. And like any relationship rooted in growth, it will change over time. It will stretch you. It will break you open. It will invite you to trust yourself and the Divine in new ways.
You don’t have to trade obedience for love. You already have it.
