The Cost of the “Winning” Church Culture
Written by: David Herrin
For many of us who grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or in any high-demand faith community, the idea of “winning” church culture was woven into our discipleship. The “winning” member was dependable, cheerful, busy, and spiritually composed. They magnified every calling, kept every commandment, and managed to look effortlessly faithful while doing it.
But what happens when the very culture that celebrates “excellence” starts to crush the souls of those trying to live it?
When the goal shifts from spiritual growth to spiritual performance, something sacred is lost.
The Illusion of Spiritual Success
Religious performance culture often looks good from the outside: clean-cut families, well-run programs, vibrant youth activities, inspiring testimonies. But beneath the polish, there’s often exhaustion, fear, and deep emotional disconnection.
When we measure spirituality by how well we look like we’re thriving, we lose touch with how we actually are.
In Episode 312 of Latter Day Struggles, Valerie explores how church systems that overemphasize perfection end up rewarding compliance rather than authenticity. “Many of us learned early,” she says, “that to belong meant to appear confident in our testimonies – even when our hearts were breaking.”
This façade of certainty isn’t harmless. It teaches members that there’s no room for doubt, struggle, or difference. Over time, this erodes genuine connection. Instead of being a community of healing, the “winning” church culture becomes a stage – one where many quietly lose themselves behind the mask of faithfulness.
When competitiveness leads to earning rewards in heaven and on earth, the spillover may be an incessant urge to be first in line to get a drink in elementary school, weave through traffic or deny someone merging on the freeway, speed to the top at work (no matter who is in the way), and play dirty on the field. While there are positive aspects of the beehive industry and an honest reputation, overidentifying with certain labels, spiritual superiority, intense image maintenance, or padding statistics (inflating or focusing largely on numbers as a missionary in order to advance in leadership) is not worth the cost. I’m pretty sure Jesus was more concerned with love, authenticity, and true connection than with winning culture.
The Hidden Costs
- Emotional Burnout
When “enduring to the end” means never saying no, never resting, and never being honest about your limits, burnout becomes inevitable. Faith turns into fatigue. - Shame and Comparison
When worth is measured by visible success—callings, family size, attendance—those who don’t fit the mold feel like spiritual failures. The unspoken message? If you’re struggling, it’s your fault. And if you mess up? Hide it. This happens with abuse and addiction. - Lost Vulnerability
In a “winning” culture, honesty feels dangerous. You can’t admit you’re doubting, hurting, or disillusioned without risking judgment. Vulnerability – the soil where growth actually happens – gets replaced by performance.
A Personal Story
I have always disliked the competitive and comparative culture. As a recovering people-pleaser, as a child, I didn’t want anyone to lose, to feel less-than, to feel depressed. And heaven forbid if I were the one to cause such an outcome, so I’d better not try too awfully hard. Thus, as a kid, I observed the race for the front of the line with distaste, a rock in my stomach when someone lost a friendly game in class or a competitive game on the field (can you imagine the mental conflict as a kid growing up in a competetivie athletic culture? I felt bad for setting a home run record in little league! After all, “beware of pride”!). Working through an inferiority complex made me keenly aware of the opposite – anyone seeking a superior position, reputation, praise, a nice house or car, or was more worthy or celestial with which to compare myself. I should be like them! … or should I? If only I had understood what the real opposite of winning is.
Reimagining a Faithful Culture
The opposite of a “winning” culture isn’t failure – it’s wholeness. It’s a faith community where people are encouraged to show up as they are, not as they think they should be.
Here’s what a healing faith culture might look like:
- Authenticity over appearance — Testimonies that sound like real life: messy, evolving, sometimes uncertain.
- Rest over relentlessness — Sabbath as actual restoration, not just another list of assignments.
- Curiosity over conformity — Making space for different ways of knowing, believing, and connecting to the divine.
- Empathy over optics — Choosing compassion even when it doesn’t photograph well.
These shifts don’t require abandoning our faith traditions. They ask us to live them with more integrity.
Reflection Prompt
Think of a time when you felt pressured to appear faithful, even when you were struggling internally.
- What was the cost of that performance?
- What might have changed if honesty had been welcomed instead of feared?
Final Thought
The “winning” church culture promises belonging through perfection – but it delivers loneliness through pretense.
When we choose honesty over image, we reclaim something sacred: the ability to be seen, known, and loved as our whole selves.
True discipleship isn’t about performing faith flawlessly.
It’s about living it authentically – even when that means losing the competition no one was ever meant to win.
