Stop Hoping They’ll Change: The Spiritual Harm of Conditional Love

Written by David Herrin
For too many LGBTQ+ individuals in faith-based families, love comes with an asterisk. They are welcomed as long as they stay celibate, as long as they don’t “act on it,” as long as they keep trying to be “fixed.”

This kind of conditional love might look faithful from the outside, but in reality, it communicates something devastating: “You are only worthy of belonging if you become someone else.”

The truth? That isn’t love at all. And it causes deep spiritual harm – not just to LGBTQ+ family members, but to the very fabric of faith and family itself.

Why Conditional Love Fails

Conditional love is rooted in fear and control, not in the divine. It says: “I’ll love you when…” instead of “I love you, period.”

Here’s why it fails:

• It fractures trust – kids quickly learn that honesty could cost them acceptance.
  
• It fuels shame – internalizing the idea that being authentic is sinful.
  
• It erodes faith – making God feel like a punisher instead of a loving parent.
  
• It isolates families – replacing connection with silence, secrets, or estrangement.
  

Conditional love doesn’t save people. It drives them away – from their families, their faith, and sometimes, tragically, from life itself. Force/Control = Resistance.

The Spiritual Cost of Hoping They’ll “Change”

When parents or leaders frame LGBTQ+ identities as temporary struggles to be “overcome,” they deny the sacredness of a person’s full humanity. This isn’t harmless.

Research shows that LGBTQ+ youth who experience rejection are far more likely to suffer depression, suicidal ideation, and self-destructive behaviors. The silent message of “We’ll love you more when you’re different” is not a path to holiness. It is a path to harm.

And spiritually, it distorts the very heart of the gospel. Jesus did not condition His love on change, compliance, or conformity. He loved first, and any type of transformation (regarding harmful behavior or necessary and healthy change, not identity) followed through the relationship, not coercion.

Safe Enough To Share, Always Enough To Love

One day in 2023, I was in the garage cleaning and reorganizing shelves when one of my teens came out to talk with me. After some brief banter and updates on how school was going and how friends are doing, they disclosed that they think they are bisexual. I thanked them for feeling safe enough to share with me, affirmed my love for them exactly how they are, regardless of any traits, identities, preferences, or choices, and embraced them. Our relationship has been warm, fun, uplifting, healthy, and safe, and I hope to keep it that way. It is not based on conditions or stipulations, earning or impressing, force, fear, or control. What kind of relationship is that? 

The next paragraph is taken directly from a similar blog topic entitled “Family First, Faith Second? Loving Your LGBTQ Child When It’s Hard”:

Anyone who has studied Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development knows that ages 12-18 comprise a wrestle with “identity vs. role confusion”, wherein adolescents confront various ideas, themes, challenges, complexities, and pressures regarding who they are and who they want to be. If they are naturally curious, explorative, and questioning, that is normal and expected! Squashing that development, stunting their growth, or casting guilt or blame over a healthy conversation could have a lasting negative impact. The next stage of development, as young adults, is called “intimacy vs. isolation,” and choosing between whether one isolates or engages in healthy interpersonal relationships can be intensely impacted by the manner in which the prior stage was handled. Sexual orientation, gender identity, and any other self-exploration can be openly and lovingly discussed and embraced, allowing teens to feel safe in expressing who they are. Conversely, the more you force something, the more you push it away. That’s the last thing I ever want to do with my kids.

What True Emotional Safety Looks Like

Showing up for your LGBTQ+ family member means offering a love that is steady, safe, and unshakable.

Here are some practical ways to build that safety:

• Say explicitly: “Nothing you share with me will make me love you less.”
  
• Celebrate milestones, relationships, and identity without hesitation.
  
• Let go of “fixing” and lean into listening.
  
• Create safe spaces at home where your child or sibling doesn’t have to filter themselves.
  
• Defend them – in church, in family gatherings, and in everyday conversations.
  

True love is not passive tolerance. It is active, consistent, and unconditional.

Conclusion

Hoping your LGBTQ+ child, sibling, or loved one will “change” is not hope – it’s denial. And denial is the opposite of love.

The gospel calls us to something deeper: a love that reflects the safety, consistency, and freedom of God’s own embrace.

When we stop waiting for our loved ones to become someone else, we finally free ourselves to love them as they already are. And that kind of love? That’s holy.

👉 Want more tools and encouragement? View our Podcast Episodes and Free Resources on this topic in the Resource Library.