Spiritually Growing Up: Navigating Anxiety, Ambiguity, and Spiritual Growth Through Faith Transition
Navigating a faith transition can feel disorienting, especially within the framework of Latter-day Saint culture where certainty is often equated with righteousness. But what if the discomfort of spiritual ambiguity is actually a necessary part of maturing faith? In this blog post, we explore how spiritual growth requires us to move beyond black-and-white thinking, embrace emotional complexity, and deepen our relationship with the Divine. Whether you’re questioning long-held beliefs or simply seeking a more grounded spirituality, this journey through anxiety, ambivalence, and ambiguity can lead to profound clarity and inner peace.
Guest blog post by David Herrin about what it means to spiritually grow up.
Just tell me what to think and do! It’s easier, right? As a child, if you felt anxiety around a situation and had a secure attachment to a caregiver, it was fairly commonplace to ask an adult for help. You’ve been alive longer, had more experiences, so tell me how to handle this! Suggestions, guidance, or direct commands could be made, whether based on knowledge, control, experience, culture, tradition/what their caregivers did, or just plain made up. Anxious feelings were quelled. Nice pattern! Why reinvent the wheel when someone with greater knowledge can help you? Seems like a reasonable model for life! Does it always apply? Does this pattern always best serve the individual? When is it no longer valid? Life has taught me to proceed with caution when someone uses absolutes (“always”, “never”, “only”, etc). Let’s look at why this pattern exists.
In Episode 263: Spiritually Growing Up: Overcoming Anxiety, Ambiguity, and Ambivalence (3 A’s), Valerie and Nathan begin by discussing the concept of perennial wisdom. One author, James Hollis, uses the term “concilience”, wherein concepts and patterns of truth we see again and again in different fields of study and religious traditions can be observed. Regarding contradictions and discomfort associated with challenging beliefs, Hollis poses the question, “Why do humans avoid the three A’s?”
Valerie and Nathan reference the book “Sapiens,” which analyzes human behavior based on brain function surrounding safety, survival, comfort, belonging, and controlling our environment. The older midbrain (limbic/feeling/survival part) sensed the environment and any threats or risks, and the newer, higher brain, or frontal cortex, developed enhanced cognitive functions and abilities to manage risk, which improved survival rates. However, the remnants of fear, of the risk to survival, of pure discomfort, have staunchly remained with us. This anxiety governs our need to control and predict our future, to keep things binary, black-and-white. Simple if-then statements allow quick, safe decision-making that we can predictably control and use to assure survival. Whew! Now I can relax! In faith development, this is why the earlier stages of development appeal to us versus the later stages. Makes sense. As Valerie put it, we can “Make an unknowable and unmanageable universe knowable and manageable.” If I keep the commandments, then I will prosper in the land. If I do “X”, I’ll get “Y”. Check off the boxes. Certainty.
In Falling Upward, Richard Rohr refers to the “first half” and “second half” of life. We all have to start in the simple, safe world of black-and-white. It makes sense to resist leaving this, and if nothing pushes us out of it, we want to stay. It’s how the brain is wired. However, at some point, many will find that this transactional approach fails us, the world doesn’t behave the way it was supposed to, or, as James Hollis says, “The map doesn’t match the terrain.” Nathan relates that these struggles push people out of the first half into the second half of life. Things we were taught suddenly don’t match what we experience somewhere in life, raising questions, creating contradictions and cognitive dissonance. Experiences don’t match beliefs. The map was never completely accurate.
We build walls (e.g., rules, boundaries) between groups to stay safe, and when the wall is penetrated by someone who is supposed to be scary but turns out to be safe, we have to change. We have to confront anxiety, ambiguity, and ambivalence. Now we are left with a choice. Some cling blindly to the map and deny the mismatch, putting the topic on the “shelf” for now. However, this still creates anxious feelings in the brain, and those who cannot handle the weight of this will ask questions, such as:
- “How can I manage this anxiety in a progressive way rather than deny reality through regressive, stuck anxiety?”
- “How can I expand my skillset to explore the next levels of ambiguity and ambivalence?”
Valerie and Nathan recommend that we choose to learn on a beautiful journey of exploration! We can engage in an adventure of love and excitement, not fear or paralysis of examining difficulty. While we are wired to survive, we are also wired to overcome fear and operate from love and expansion, representing two poles on a spectrum. Our complex brain brings us closer to our parents in heaven, and we can manage the hard questions of reality with an upgraded set of skills.
First Half, Second Half – How Do I Grow Up?
What about the developmental transition from childhood to adolescence, then adulthood? What is a prudent approach to seeking autonomy and personal decision-making while spiritually and psychologically growing up? Is there room for an adult-to-adult relationship with the church and its leaders? What if everyone followed this approach? Would it create chaos? (see stages of faith development:[link podcast] pseudocommunity, chaos, emptiness, true community) Or, are we treated and trusted as children who need to be told what to do at every turn? Is there a middle ground? (Quit asking scary questions, it’s bothering my amygdala!)
Questions, Choices, Discomfort, Growth, Expansion….Seems like a scary and unnecessary walkabout! It’s Cozy right here in my bed!
So, what’s the best way to make choices? How do I develop spiritual autonomy and grow up? And why try?
With the information age we live in, anxiety and overwhelm around too many options is a real thing (it’s called choice paralysis or choice overload). I’m in a Google-y mood while writing this: a brief search on decision-making models yields a wealth of feedback regarding how to choose.
Research across disciplines shows that professionals use structured decision-making models, especially in high-stakes fields like medicine and psychology. Just like professionals use models to make decisions, we benefit from a framework for spiritual discernment (Charts linked or shown at the article’s end).
Spiritual decision-making often involves steps like prayer, scripture study, weighing values, and seeking peaceful confirmation, whether through Moroni’s Promise, ancient traditions like the Wesleyan Quadrilateral, or simple reflection models like those shared by spiritual communities (4 Steps for Discernment and Decision-Making | A Nun’s Life Ministry, Principles for Biblical Decision-Making).
Can’t I Just Keep It Simple?
So, considering all of these models and the abundance of choices to make out there, what’s the harm in simply having a church handbook, leaders, conference talks, doctrines, scriptures, or a plan of action given to you and only (uh oh, another absolute!) following those teachings, abdicating your personal power, thinking, and choice?
Once again, a quick Google search of God’s greatest gifts to humans suggests the following: Jesus, love, family, imagination, wisdom, Holy Spirit, Salvation, and more. There are arguments for each, with choice and agency also high on the list. I recall being taught that choice is one of our greatest gifts because of what it allows us to recognize, appreciate, embrace, create, and grow into. Having a choice in how we live and interact each day appears to be a fundamental aspect of human rights.
“I am convinced that the freedom-of-choice principle is so woven into human existence that any effort to curtail it is an attempt to curtail life itself. To lose our freedom to choose is to lose our humanity.”
—Bertel Sparks
Many legal documents, international declarations, and philosophical paradigms are grounded in the right to self-determination, and freedom of choice is an essential part of expressing oneself through thoughts, opinions, values, and beliefs. So, what barriers to choice, critical thinking, and expression exist in Latter Day Saint culture due to strong community norms and expectations?
Barriers to Critical Thinking and Expression
People pleasing behaviors: “If I think for myself and speak up, I might offend someone”!
The need for acceptance, to be part of a group, governs much of our behavior. This is especially true in U.S. culture, and even moreso in LDS religious culture. Fit in. Don’t rock the boat. Image maintenance. These concepts drive much of the “Worthy vs Unworthy” dilemma and judgment-based mindset. Recall what Valerie and Nathan explained earlier about group survival as humans? It’s powerful stuff, and so automatic. How can we stay in the group, yet learn to become more autonomous, to individually grow up? For some, it starts with awareness.
In a book written by Dr. Aziz Gazipura called Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself, there are concrete action steps to adopt an upgraded mindset about people pleasing. But how do you know if you exhibit these behaviors? Examples of common people-pleasing traits include difficulty saying no, fear of conflict, and excessive apologizing—all driven by a need for approval (see list at article’s end).
Is LDS culture a breeding ground for enablers?
My First Half of Life: As a kid in Utah, my programming centered around how I felt I had to be to maintain connection and acceptance in my family and church. How did I develop and begin to over-identify with certain roles? Well, I checked off the religious boxes to get the “promised” blessings. As the first boy in the family after four girls, I received attention I didn’t want. I felt I had to be enough, to be as perfect as I could, to advance in church, succeed in athletics, and appease my father, leaders, and God. I had to be a peacemaker and follow the letter of the law. Only “good” emotions were okay. I had to be a hard worker. And so on. These concepts shaped my views from an early age.
The Bridge: Eventually, life experiences didn’t match up (aka divorce, end of temple marriage – but wait! I did “all of the things!”), shoving me into a state of wondering and contemplation (to put it lightly).
My Second Half of Life: As an adult, I want to do things for reasons that make sense, that I feel are right, fit the situation, and that follow the spirit of the law. I want to know “why”. I want honesty, openness, and harmony.
We all grow up with certain schemas that tell us how we are “supposed to be” in a certain role or situation. We could call these “should rules” – expectations we’ve placed on ourselves to live the “right” way. Some are explicit, others are implicit rules.
The Art of Living
“The Art of Living”, by Thich Nhat Hanh, talks about suffering and how we define our expectations. He states that some events are neutral, not good or bad. If circumstances present in such a way that the criteria are met for suffering, it manifests for a time, but it is impermanent, just as health is expressed when the criteria for relief are met. But who sets the criteria? We do! What is labeled as severe, moderate, or mild as it manifests is largely determined by our own self-proclaimed rules, expectations, and perceptions around an event or thought. We often develop arbitrary rules and boundaries based on upbringing, cultural and societal messages, disappointments, and lived experiences. We adopted these rules and can choose to identify and replace them with upgraded, healthier messages that serve us effectively and peacefully.
As referred to earlier, Dr. Gazipura suggests many ideas to help overcome people-pleasing (e.g., going on an “unnecessary-apology fast” for a week). He recommends that we take a look at our “should” rules, or our “personal rule books”, and rewrite them. So I did.
For example, I once believed that:
- I should avoid contention and stay neutral.
- I should be kind, or people won’t like me.
Now, these statements have an underlying value (e.g., to cooperate, get along, be respectful and kind), making it difficult to condemn, but simultaneously put unreasonable pressure on me. As stated, are they realistic or fully helpful? Disagreement can lead to a beautiful or needful resolution. Sometimes anger or conflict (different than contention) is necessary and effective.
If I rewrite my rules, I can frame expectations in a distinctive way that works in my life.
- I really want to live in harmony with others.
- I really want to respect and accept others and receive the same from them.
Here are more examples from My Bill of Rights, My Rule Book:
I have the right to choose my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and actions in forming the life I want to live.
I am allowed to not worry about other people’s emotions.
I am okay if people don’t like me; I’m not for everybody.
I have the right to say “no” to anything I don’t want to do, for any reason, without needing to justify it or give an excuse.
I have the right to teach my children as best I can and allow them to make choices and work through consequences.
This exercise can create change fairly quickly and is one example of how we can begin to spiritually grow up as individuals.
More Barriers to Consider
- Perfectionism Framed as Righteousness: Many members strive to be “perfect” in the gospel (as a parent, calling, etc), but this can become an obstacle when it leads to shame, burnout, or hiding struggles instead of seeking grace. The pressure to perform spiritually can sometimes eclipse actual spiritual growth.
- Over-Reliance on External Authority: Spiritual maturity requires developing a personal relationship with God and spiritual self-reliance. In LDS culture, the strong emphasis on prophetic leadership and counsel from church authorities can inadvertently discourage members from seeking personal revelation or developing their own spiritual discernment. When we shift from depending on others to be our only authority, to then trust ourselves, our connection and relationship with God, and our ability to choose, we empower our spirit to grow up, to expand.
- Fear of Doubt or Questioning: Questioning or expressing doubt can be stigmatized, yet wrestling with hard questions is often a critical step in spiritual development. When doubt is feared or shamed, members may suppress genuine questions, stalling growth and authenticity.
- Performance-Based Identity: Church callings, attendance, and adherence to outward markers of faith can become central to identity. This may cause individuals to conflate worthiness with visibility or productivity in the Church, rather than inner transformation and personal connection with Christ.
Urgent Certainty: Sometimes we feel distressed about needing to choose now, and that it is permanent when we do choose. However, a more fluid approach can work. It is okay to hang out in “not knowing, defining, or deciding”. As Dr. Gazipura states, “Certainty does not necessarily correlate with accuracy.” We can listen to many different voices in life, but sometimes waiting and listening to our own voice is best, and leads to becoming our own inner authority.
Differentiation of Self
Valerie and Dr. Julie Hanks discussed Differentiation of Self in EP 261, Differentiation as Key to Wise Decision Making. Dr. Hanks shared that “Differentiation is the ability to have unique thoughts and feelings for yourself that are different from others while remaining in connection with them.” This can be difficult in a culture of conformity, but differences don’t have to separate us. We can accept that there are multiple levels of faith and devotion. As James Bay sings in “Let it Go” (no, not the Disney song), “Why don’t you be you. And I’ll be me?”
After giving yourself permission to think for yourself, you might have to get to know yourself a little better (this is a lifelong exploration, btw). Perhaps you’ve never directly asked yourself questions and answered them, especially if you grew up in an environment where this has been discouraged. A few starters include:
- What do I like? What do I love? What do I prefer, enjoy, and feel passionate about? What motivates me?
- What bothers, annoys, and irritates me?
- What do I believe, and what do I believe in? What do I have questions about, or want to learn and understand more deeply?
- What is wonderful about me?
- What am I here to do? My purpose?
Healthy self-relationship is important, no matter our choices, so differentiating is vital. It helps deal with complexity over binary thinking. When stressed, the existing operating system in our computer brains likes the quickest and most certain binary choice to solve a problem. But spiritually complex people may want to upgrade their operating system and consider multiple perspectives and choices.
What if it Gets Messy?
Valerie and Dr. Hanks recognize that understanding the value of differentiating is great, but can be difficult when interacting directly with a real person and real situation. Weddings, baptisms, and other rituals require that we approach conversations with tact (what you say, and how you say it, etc), grace, compassion, and consideration of individual and group values while also maintaining personal autonomy, self-respect, and boundaries.
We can practice navigating through the messiness of different relationships, settings, areas, and topics. For instance, you may have a solid relationship with tithing or going to the temple while simultaneously having a poor relationship with listening during General Conference or going to church on Mother’s or Father’s Day due to a complex layer of parental influence growing up. We can have different layers of relationships in various areas of the church, and that is okay. We can learn how to confront situations with people and situations, depending on the topic and case. There is theory and conceptualization, but next comes the application of theory in real life.
Valerie and Dr. Hanks encourage us to be confident in the discomfort, to feel safe within ourselves, and then act. You are not alone, and can find relief in good company with others attempting to move past shame, ask hard questions, and embrace safety and acceptance, knowing that this is normal in stages of faith development. You are not wrong, broken, or needing to be fixed. The journey can be special, growth-oriented, and connected in love.
We are all on our own path, and can allow grace for ourselves and others for where we are developmentally. Managing this complexity is challenging yet worthwhile in our journey with spiritual growth.
References:
Gazipura, A. (2017). Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself. The Center For Social Confidence.
Hamaker, V., Hanks, J. (2024). Latter Day Struggles Podcast. Episode 263: Spiritually Growing Up: Overcoming Anxiety, Ambiguity, and Ambivalence. https://open.spotify.com/episode/2ftfYw41U9ER1kKsMmuYI9?si=8d0cac05b46541d6
Hamaker, V., Hanks, J. (2024). Latter Day Struggles Podcast. EP 261, Differentiation as Key to Wise Decision Making. https://open.spotify.com/episode/5KW4AB3nf5LQSPjJi0e56H?si=4af28692f2b74f43
Hanh, T. (2017). The Art of Living, HarperOne.
Harari, Y. (2015). Sapiens. HarperCollins Publishers.
Letourneau, J. L. (2016). A decision-making model for addressing problematic behaviors in counseling students. Counseling and Values, 61(2), 206–222. https://doi.org/10.1002/cvj.12038
Rohr, R. (2023). Falling Upward. Jossey-Bass.
Suarez, V. D., Marya, V., Weiss, M. J., & Cox, D. (2022). Examination of Ethical Decision-Making Models Across Disciplines: Common Elements and Application to the Field of Behavior Analysis. Behavior Analysis in Practice, 16(3), 657. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40617-022-00753-1
Suggested content: Valerie and Ryan Gottfredson – Vertical development series….Ep 249-252
