Patriarchy Works for Me… or Does It? A Man’s Reckoning With Systems That Were Built For Him
Guest blog post by David Herrin about the patriarchal system – Part 1
I was driving to work recently on a two-lane road when a Semi turned into the right lane ahead of me. There was plenty of room, I didn’t get cut off, but I knew it would go slow, so I still groaned inwardly. I’m typically a pretty chill driver in the city. I don’t need to speed, but the sign saying “Construction Vehicle – Do Not Follow” told me to keep my distance and slow down. Then, it signaled to get into the left lane. The driver of a big, white Ford beside me suddenly hit its brakes and waited, creating space for the semi. It took a while, and I found myself saying, “Come on, he’s letting you in. Get over, man!” He did, and I thought, “Oh, well, that was nice of him!”
On another occasion, a few years ago, I was driving in rural eastern Oregon between Bend and Boise. The Land of Desolation area (no offense intended to those living there). In this case, I was driving home to see my kids, and…I was speeding. A state trooper stopped me, and as they approached my window, before I saw who I was addressing, I said, “I’m so sorry, sir. I…” By then, I had looked up to see a stern-looking woman standing there. You can guess: I got a ticket.
What’s the point of these stories? The first one seems like an everyday occurrence, right? If you re-read those last few lines, you’ll see my conditioning. He. Do you see what I did there? I assumed the Semi driver was a male, and in my mind, the Ford driver – a man, likely even a construction worker who understood how difficult it can be to drive a Semi on a busy city road. Likewise, through gender role conditioning, I assumed that the state trooper had to be male. Is this a big deal? Am I alone in thinking this way? Is it common for most people to assume gender and associate daily events with conditioned language? What’s the harm in this behavior (beyond the cost of a ticket)?
Disclaimer & Purpose
I will start by saying that I fully acknowledge that there are positive aspects of masculinity. This blog is not intended to be an assault on men, but more of a warning and plea. That said, as a man, I believe that as a group, we need to step up. Or wait, step down? We need to be better, but…not necessarily “tougher”?
I want to discuss patriarchy and the idea that while it outwardly benefits men, it also harms them. Often in hidden, profound ways. I want to explore how the patriarchal system shapes, pressures, and hinders the development and quality of life of the men it claims to serve. Let me explain.
The Comfort of the System — And the Question It Raised
When Everything is Designed for You
This world works for me. I’m a middle-aged white dude in America. Why would I go and mess that up by writing this? Society, systems, assumptions, stereotypes…they pretty much work for me. They are in line with what helps me excel, or at least get by without additional trouble, in life. The world works for me. Or…does it…really? Let’s break that down.
Let’s focus on the benefits of church membership first. As males, we are given access to leadership roles at age 12, authority to perform certain priesthood ordinances, and placed in a decision-making pathway where male voices are often more amplified and respected in doctrinal interpretation. Later, we may be lauded and encouraged to be a respected priesthood leader and head in the home (check off the boxes, e.g., mission, temple, active family), placed in a clear path of leadership progression with a sense of purpose, achievement, and identity, and never have to worry about modesty or dress appearance.
These are just a few examples of how the system, church culture, and traditions work for me. For men. Only…did I ever want or ask for that? Something unsettling was always there as a youth, perhaps framed by a mother who worked graveyard shifts for over 20 years and four older sisters I admired, all of whom attended college.
Life Changes and Doubts
For the first few decades, I was basically “all-in” on patriarchy, whether I knew it or not. And, why not? And then, life changed. It’s called divorce. It happens, often despite many years and every effort. And single-parenting five kids, full time? Yeah, that too. I had amazing support from my ward family, for which I will be forever grateful. However, for the first time, I noticed that patriarchy wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Things are, or can be…different as a divorced and single person in the church. This led to many, many questions (formally called a mid-life crisis).
Does it Really Work for Me?
I was feeling many emotions, and definitely depressed – a lifelong battle. Overwhelmed with my work, kids, appointments, housework, and YM’s presidency calling? Yes. Fortunately, my perceptive and caring bishop noticed and relieved me of my calling. However, during that time, I spoke with someone very dear to me and realized that she did not have positive experiences with church leadership after divorce as a woman. I could clearly see the harm the patriarchal system and faulty advice passed down through leadership had caused her and other women (and their children), and this led me to look further. Not only at the effects on women, but men, too. In what ways do men pay hidden prices for a system they supposedly control? We’ll get to that.
Awakening and Disgust — Identity in Crisis
I Didn’t Want to Be a Part of the Patriarchal System Anymore
After I learned about the damaging and harmful advice from multiple sources (and more than one bishop regarding staying in an abusive marriage) I became disgusted with my place as a white LDS male in a patriarchal system. I was reminded of the church pressures and expectations I kept inside as a young man to do and be a certain way. As well as the avoidable mental struggles this caused, and I didn’t want any part of it any longer.
At first, I hesitated. It seemed easier to stay comfortable, to keep benefiting from a system that was built for people like me. But once I saw it for what it was, I couldn’t unsee it.
I didn’t just feel guilty. I felt disgusted at the system, at the way it shaped me, at the ways I had unconsciously participated in it. For a while, I wanted to shed my identity. To somehow step out of being a white male in a patriarchal world. But I realized that wasn’t possible. This is the body and story I was born into. I couldn’t erase it. I could only choose what kind of man — and what kind of human — I wanted to become.
Models of Identity Development: Understanding My Awakening
Fortunately, I found words to help me express what I was trying to make sense of internally: the Cross Model of Nigrescence and the Helms White Racial Identity Development Model, as found in Counseling the Culturally Diverse by Sue et al. (2019). It outlines how white people move from blind acceptance of privilege, through resistance and guilt, and – if they keep going – toward a new, authentic identity. For a more detailed description of these stages, read the second part of this blog post here. First, I applied these models to my racial identity, then adapted them to being a Male in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints by inserting the proper terms.
For example, in an assignment for school, I wrote : “Learning about the Cross Model of Nigrescence helps me try to understand what it would be like to live as a Black person [woman] in a society of white supremacy [patriarchy], or at the very least, what stages a Black person [woman] may go through. I acknowledge that I can’t know what that feels like for them [women], as I am a white male in a privileged [patriarchal] society. Seeing that racism [patriarchy] permeates all aspects of culture and institutions (Sue, 2019), awareness of inherited biases and racist [patriarchal] beliefs helps to accept what is, yet move beyond it. Becoming aware of the white racial identity stages helps me see where I am and where I want to be, to try to cultivate a nonracist [nonpatriarchal] and antiracist white identity and autonomy.”
Helms’ Model
Both well-documented and scrutinized empirically in research, these models offer us stages of development and understanding of a process. In Helms’ Model, there are six statuses distributed equally in the two phases:
- Abandonment of racism (in this case, patriarchy) – contact, disintegration, and reintegration; and
- Evolution of a non-racist (non-patriarchal) identity – pseudo‐independence, immersion/emersion, and autonomy.
As I learned more about how identities develop, I realized I had been cycling through stages – first denial, then anger, then redefining what it even means to be a white LDS man today. Looking back, I can see myself moving from acceptance to resistance, to the painful work of redefining who I am without the crutches of superiority, denial, or self-hatred. Some days, I feel like I’m finally internalizing a healthier identity. Other days, I still get pulled back. Healing isn’t comfortable or linear, but it is worth it.
The Ultimate Downside — Death and Disconnection
Let’s Start With Death: Men’s Higher Suicide Rates
Okay, let’s get back to “why”.
Before my “Identity Crisis” tangent, I posed the question: In what ways do men pay hidden prices for a system they supposedly control? I mean, why learn about all of this stuff, why rock the boat, why confront uncomfortable topics, why advocate for change? Well, what are some of the downsides of patriarchy? Let’s start with death. That’s a pretty big downside.
In 2022, a journal article in the American Journal of Men’s Health reviewed multiple global studies, each revealing that men are two to four times more likely to die by suicide than women. They investigated the correlation between men conforming to traditional masculine traits and their reluctance to seek professional help despite increased psychological distress (a typical, and harmful, male gender norm). In another article, the author shares studies that have reviewed the mental health stigma around men seeking help, such as violating the masculine gender law of strength (or not showing “weakness” by sharing emotions), resulting in a heightened risk for severe mental illness. This does not have to be the case, as a systematic review showed that suicidal ideation or attempts decrease when people seek appropriate treatment.
If a patriarchal system teaches men that: “you must always be tough”, “suck it up, don’t show emotion”, “only winning matters”, “you must progress to the top of the ladder”, “your value comes from your strength and ability to provide”, “being dominant or in control is expected”, “you must avoid anything feminine”, or the like, these messages appear to be harmful, if not lethal.
The Patriarchal System Costs Everyone
In 2017, The Man Box study presented findings on harmful outcomes connected to concepts of manhood in the US, UK, and Mexico. Though not without criticism due to reliance on questionnaires, lacking nuance, and overgeneralization, the study highlights strong links to the effects on men and those around them, including six main adverse costs: “traffic accidents, suicide, depression, sexual violence, bullying and violence, and binge drinking.” The study estimated an annual burden of $15.7 billion in the US alone due to the “Man Box”.
Taken directly from The Man Box Study
Another example comes from New Zealand during March 2020. Due to pre-existing gender inequalities privileging men over health and wellbeing, where, according to traditional gender roles, men are doctors and women are nurses or other front-line workers, 10,000 out of the 11,000 people who lost their jobs during COVID lockdowns were women. This reflects a high percentage of unpaid and undervalued female workers, affecting the families (including men) and their ability to provide health care to all people during that time. Nobody wins.
Pressures of Masculinity — The Weight Boys Carry in a Patriarchal System
From a Young Age: Expectations Placed on Boys
My dream job is to be a stay-at-home dad. It’s not in the cards, but for what it’s worth, I’ve always loved kids, and being a homemaker appeals to me. Maybe I never fit the church or societal mold of “normal”. As an adolescent, I didn’t know what I struggled with. I didn’t have a name for it until my sister suggested learning about it a year ago: Scrupulosity, aka religious obsessive-compulsive personality, focused on the church. With all of the duties, obligations, leadership expectations, pressures, rules, and requirements (some implicit), I never felt good enough or like I belonged in the chapel, no matter how perfectly I followed the letter of the law.
When Power Isn’t What You Asked For
Some boys were excited and wanted that duty and challenge, control and power. While others (like me) did not naturally fit this mold or desire any part of the leadership ladder or responsibility. It felt like an imposed burden. I was fine with serving and helping others, but I didn’t want or need a title or label to do that. Yet, I was expected to be a certain way, and the scrupulous/worthiness part of me had to fall in line, repent, and press on. This led to a very transactional, worthiness-based relationship with God, not one based on unconditional love, acceptance, and growth. Not an effective format for an infinite atonement. I believe it derives from a patriarchal mindset and demand.
I’d rather be a stay-at-home dad. Talking about trucks and guns is okay, but not my favorite. Sports, sure. I mean, I played competitive baseball from age 8-22. But I think qualities (masculine and feminine) exist along a spectrum (Jesus exhibited this). And I lean toward a calmer, kinder, nurturing, compassionate, and peaceful demeanor (and goofy). Some men might call these “feminine” or “motherly” qualities. Now, as a single dad, I strive to function in a wide range of capacities to provide for the physical, psychological and mental, spiritual, financial, and other secular needs of my kids. Call that whatever it is, I guess.
For more on the effects of the patriarchal system on men, refer to blogs:
