Family First, Faith Second? Loving Your LGBTQ+ Child When It’s Hard

Written by David Herrin
For many Latter-day Saint parents, discovering that a beloved child is LGBTQ+ can spark a whirlwind of emotions. Pride, fear, confusion, love, grief, and hope often crash together. Parents want to honor their faith commitments and their child, but sometimes the messages they hear from church culture or doctrine seem to demand a choice.

It can feel like loyalty to God requires the sacrifice of your child’s full humanity. But here’s the truth: prioritizing love for your LGBTQ+ child is not rebellion — it’s the deepest form of discipleship.

The False Dichotomy: Faith vs. Family

In high-demand religious spaces, parents are often taught to see love and loyalty as a test: Will you “stand firm” in doctrine even when it wounds your child? Or will you “compromise” in the name of love?

This framing is both harmful and false. It forces parents into impossible double-binds, where affirming a child feels like betraying God, and choosing God feels like betraying a child.

But Jesus never asked parents to abandon their children to prove devotion. Again and again, scripture shows that love is the highest law.

Why Love Is Spiritual, Not Rebellious

When parents show up for their LGBTQ+ child with unconditional love, they are not turning their backs on faith. They are living it.

• Love reflects divine nature – affirming that every child is created in the image of God.
  
• Love builds trust – showing kids they don’t need to earn belonging.
  
• Love heals spiritual shame – helping LGBTQ+ individuals see themselves as whole and worthy.
  
• Love creates safety – and safety is where spiritual growth can actually take root.
  

Far from undermining faith, this kind of love fulfills it.

The Cost of Choosing Doctrine Over Relationship

Parents who feel pressured to prioritize “faithfulness” over family often end up with broken trust, estranged relationships, or even children who internalize deep self-hatred.

Research shows that LGBTQ+ youth rejected by their families are significantly more likely to experience depression, suicidal thoughts, and homelessness. The cost of misaligned priorities is not abstract; it’s lived in real heartbreak and harm.

By contrast, LGBTQ+ children with accepting parents are more resilient, more hopeful, and more connected – both to their families and to their spirituality.

The More You Force Something, The More You Push it Away

A few years ago, I was going up the stairs to my bedroom when one of my younger teens caught me in the hallway at the top. She said, “Hey…Dad?” in such a tone that I knew it was more than just a simple request or topic. I stopped and looked at her, noting that she seemed deep in thought. 

“Yeah, sweetie? What’s up?” I responded.

She paused for a moment before continuing, “What would you say if one of your kids said they were gay or lesbian?”

I thought carefully, but just for a second, because I knew and felt the immediate answer that I wanted her to hear, deeply, and internalize for now and the rest of her life. And it was, has been, and always will be an authentic and honest answer.

“Well, I would tell them that I love them no matter what. It wouldn’t change my love, and they would always be welcome and belong,” I told her.

Satisfied, I could sense her shoulders drop, relaxing from what had been an apprehensive topic to broach. Can you imagine if I had answered with a “Yes, but…” kind of response? Essentially, she was asking me if I operated from an approach of conditional love. What a pivotal moment that was! That moment led to a lengthier conversation about LGBTQ+ individuals, both that day and many times since.

Anyone who has studied Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development knows that ages 12-18 comprise a wrestle with “identity vs. role confusion”, wherein adolescents confront various ideas, themes, challenges, complexities, and pressures regarding who they are and who they want to be. If they are naturally curious, explorative, and questioning, that is normal and expected! Squashing that development, stunting their growth, or casting guilt or blame over a healthy conversation could have a lasting negative impact. The next stage of development, as young adults, is called “intimacy vs. isolation,” and choosing between whether one isolates or engages in healthy interpersonal relationships can be intensely impacted by the manner in which the prior stage was handled. Sexual orientation, gender identity, and any other self-exploration can be openly and lovingly discussed and embraced, allowing teens to feel safe in expressing who they are. Conversely, the more you force something, the more you push it away. That’s the last thing I ever want to do with my kids.

What Loving Your LGBTQ+ Child Can Look Like

Loving your child doesn’t always mean you have every answer or perfect theology. It means choosing presence, compassion, and honesty.

Some starting points:

• Tell your child often: “You are loved exactly as you are.”
  
• Learn with them – seek out stories, resources, and voices from LGBTQ+ communities.
  
• Speak up in church spaces when exclusionary messages are taught.
  
• Make your home a sanctuary of belonging.
  

You don’t need to have it all figured out to lead with love. You only need to be willing to show up, again and again.

Conclusion

The question isn’t whether faith or family should come first. The deeper truth is that when you choose family, you are choosing faith.

Love is the most spiritual act we can offer. And when parents honor that love, especially when it’s hard, they reflect the very heart of God.

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