Beyond Hemlines – Reclaiming Modesty as Agency, Not Shame
Written by: Evelyn H.
Being a teenager in the 90s involved overplucked eyebrows, platform heels, the song “Window to His Love”, and lessons on modesty. The constant worthiness interviews and policing of my body contributed over time to low body autonomy.
Despite this conditioning, as a woman in my 40s with children of my own, I am no longer subscribing to purity culture rhetoric. By challenging the traditional, female-body-focused modesty narrative, I’m offering body-positive, consent-based, and agency-honoring alternatives.
The High Cost of Hemlines
As a long-torsoed, skinny LDS teen girl, I was constantly at a loss about what to wear during swim season. The tankini seemed like the perfect solution — but was the little gap that showed my belly immodest? I wasn’t sure.
Each summer, as my body developed and my desire to swim remained, I confronted the same problem anew: Was a tankini okay? Bless my sweet baby Mormon heart. I was trying so hard to help the boys around me go on missions and not tempt them with my body.
I was directly told it was my job to ensure the young men in my life went on missions — that I must not distract them with my body. I was to remain modest and righteous so the men could fulfill their priesthood responsibilities and avoid lust.
Then came Dallin H. Oaks’ April 2005 talk:
“And young women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.”
What in the shame-spiral was this new hell for me to navigate with my female body?
While men were not punished for Adam’s transgression, somehow I was punished for a “lusty-loo” man’s attraction to my female body. This seemed like terrible theology.
This rhetoric taught me that my body’s existence was an inherent stumbling block — a problem to be managed. It led to body shame, low self-worth, and the internalized belief that my worth was conditional.
It was also unfair to the boys who were learning about their sexuality and attraction. Instead of normalizing healthy sexual development, they were shamed. None of us escaped the shame.
Constantly focusing on the body’s need to be covered re-centers the body as a sexual object first and foremost. While well-intentioned, the messaging reduces the complexity of a woman’s character to her capacity to distract or inspire lust.
A Moment That Stayed With Me
I was a senior in high school wearing shorts that hit several inches above the knee and a maroon polo shirt. I thought I looked like Jane Goodall—ready for a summer adventure where my brain would be utilized.
My mom saw my middle-distance runner’s legs and grew scared.
“You think you look cute,” she said, “but boys are thinking, it’s this far to her vagina.”
Her fingers pinched an inch apart in front of her eyes. My face burned red.
“Well, that’s their problem,” I said. But her words stayed with me. As I walked to school, I wondered which boys were measuring me. I didn’t even have a clear understanding of what a vagina was, but I knew I didn’t want to be reduced to it.
That experience—and many like it—taught me not to trust myself. If I couldn’t be trusted to put on appropriate clothes, how could I be trusted to choose a college, pursue an education, or decide whether to marry or serve a mission?
That internalized doubt deepened later with the introduction of the temple garment and ongoing policing from peers and leaders.
Defining True Modesty
Modesty was never about covering bodies. Modesty is about intention: humility, decency, and not drawing undue attention to oneself out of pride, wealth, or arrogance. It’s quite impossible to determine another person’s modesty, because intentions are internal.
When we reduce modesty to clothing, we miss its broader spiritual purpose. The principle applies universally — to all genders and across many aspects of life:
- Wealth & Materialism: Avoiding the showiness of “costly apparel.”
- Speech & Behavior: Rejecting vulgarity, boastfulness, or self-promotion.
- Attitude: Cultivating humility, kindness, and Christ-like focus on others.
True modesty is a universal virtue rooted in self-awareness and reverence, not self-erasure.
“Your worth is absolute, independent of your clothing choices.”
When I began internalizing that truth, I realized my worth had never been tied to hemlines. My thinking changed as I recognized that modesty—at its core—is an outward reflection of inner peace and integrity.
Body-Positive & Consent-Based Alternatives (Honoring Agency and Worth)
If I could go back, I would tell my younger self:
“You can trust yourself. An outfit is temporary. You don’t need to get it right. And you don’t need fashion advice from a man in a suit.”
I wish my mom could have seen that I was a scientist ready for adventure that day—not a body to hide. I imagine she believed covering me would keep me safe. But safety doesn’t come from shame.
What does keep us safe is agency: the right to make choices about our own bodies, our own comfort, and our own expressions.
Here’s how we can reframe modesty teaching in empowering, consent-based ways:
| Traditional Modesty Goal | Empowering Alternative | Practical Application |
|---|---|---|
| Control External Thoughts | Teach Internal Control & Agency | Teach boys and men: “No one else is responsible for your virtue. Your thoughts and actions are your own.” |
| The Body is a Stumbling Block | The Body is Sacred & Beloved | Focus on care—nutrition, rest, and movement—instead of fear-based covering. Dress for comfort and respect. |
| Obedience to a Dress Code | Respect for Personal Boundaries (Consent) | Ask: “How do you feel in this? Does it honor your body’s need for comfort and movement?” |
| Responsibility for Others | Self-Respect & Congruence | Ask: “What message do you want to send? Do you feel confident and focused on the good you want to do today?” |
Modesty, in its truest form, is about self-respect and intention, not fear or control.
Reclaiming Modesty as Agency
Modesty is a personal journey—one each of us must define for ourselves. When we attune to how we feel in our bodies and express ourselves authentically, we embrace our ability to walk in power.
Let’s stop asking our daughters, “Is that modest?” and start asking,
“How do you feel today? What good are you going to do with your energy?”
That’s the modesty worth teaching.
